AJ was sure that once Brian was out of the hospital he would be terrified to touch him. It only made sense to him that it would be that way, after all, seeing Brian lying there all pale and still had scared the hell out of him. It wasn't as if Brian had said or done or indicated in any way that he didn't want to be touched. If anything it was exactly the opposite. Brian spent the day that he was released from the hospital attached to one or the other of them, never more than an arm's reach from Kevin or AJ himself. It was just that AJ thought that he'd be scared. He could still see Brian's pale, pale face, the tube under his nose, the monitors blipping away, every time he closed his eyes.
It turned out to be exacly the opposite. AJ found he couldn't keep from touching Brian. It wasn't like he'd suddenly turned into Nick or anything, he wasn't draped all over Brian all the time. But he couldn't stop touching him. He'd find himself reaching over and grasping Brian's forearm, pausing for a moment to feel the pulse beating in Brian's wrist. Or he'd start playing with the curls at the back of Brian's neck, the strands slipping between his fingers. Or he'd rest his hand in the small of Brian's back, watching, brow furrowed, as Brian bent at the waist, fighting to gasp in enough breath.
"Bri, seriously, fuck them, you're not ready to do all this now." AJ felt his other hand curl into a fist. He saw Kevin stalking towards the suits in the corner, his jaw clenched. Good. Kevin could deal with their shit. That way he could concentrate on Brian.
"AJ, I'm fine," Brian panted out as he slowly straightened. "I can't believe how out of shape I am."
AJ's jaw dropped. "Out of shape? Out of shape?" He flinched as he heard his voice sky up an octave. "Did you forget about that whole little tiny thing you just had done to you? You know, the one where they messed with your heart?"
"AJ. Calm down." Howie's hand was pressed against the small of his back now and AJ turned his head slightly, seeing Nick chewing at his lip over Howie's shoulder. He took a deep breath, trying to shove the anger aside. They were doing what they could to downplay the fact that Brian was not nearly as well as he liked to tell Nick, at Brian's direct request. It wasn't only for Nick's protection, it upset Brian to see Nick so worried and upset. And that wasn't good for Brian. Were they lying to Nick? Absolutely. But AJ refused to care.
"Look, Brian." He reached out, brushing some hair off Brian's face. "I don't care what they say, you aren't ready to push so hard yet. You will be." He cupped Brian's chin, forcing Brian to meet his gaze. "You will be. But it's okay if it's not quite yet."
"J," Brian sighed, stepping back and AJ let his hands fall to his sides. "I don't have any choice. This whole mess caused a ton of problems and you know that. . ." He broke off, glancing over to where Kevin stood, every line of his body indicating that the conversation wasn't going well. "I'll be fine." Brian tried to give one of his old smiles, failing miserably, and AJ felt it like a knife twisting in his belly. "I promise."
AJ stepped back as well, rubbing his palms against his legs, as Kevin walked back over, taking his place in line without a word. That told the rest of them everything they needed to know and AJ bit back a scream as the music started again. He contented himself with thoughts of the vengence he'd wreak should Brian ever ever collapse again. A grim smile touched his lips as he caught Kevin's eye. He knew they were on exactly the same page.
"Aje, wait up a second." AJ turned as he heard Kevin calling, his eyes following Brian as he walked slowly up the hall, head bowed.
"Yeah, what?" He dug in his pockets, the need for a cigarette suddenly overwhelming.
"Don't bother looking, one of the pr flacks went through your stuff and tossed them." Kevin dipped a hand in a pocket and tossed AJ a fresh pack.
AJ cocked his head, eyeing Kevin as he stripped the cellophane off the pack. "What do you want, Kevin? And don't give me any shit, there's no way in hell you're giving me cigarette unless you want something." AJ glanced down the hall, then lit up, turning so that he was at least partially shielded by Kevin's body.
"I'd be offended if I had the energy to care." Kevin raised an arm, leaning against the wall, tilting so that AJ couldn't be seen from the lobby. "Can you stay with Brian tonight?"
AJ's hand paused halfway to his mouth. "Kevin," he didn't even bother trying to hide the worry in his voice, "What's wrong? He's, God, please tell me he's not, not getting worse."
"No, no, nothing like that." Kevin ran a hand through his hair. "Physically, he's fine. But." Kevin sighed heavily. "He's not ready to get back to this yet and he's right, we really don't have any other choice. It's, it's hard on him." Kevin glanced down, holding AJ's eye. "And I know that you'll make him feel better."
AJ felt the flush creep up his neck. They didn't talk about this, not really. Maybe allusions in passing, but it was always oblique. They both knew the other would be there for anything Brian needed, anything at all. Absolutely anything. And they both knew the other knew. They just didn't talk about it. It was safer for everyone that way.
"He's really that bad?" He stubbed out the cigarette, flicking the butt into the ash can. "Shit, I knew it, I knew I shouldn't have believed him when he said he was fine, damn it, Kev, I'm sorry, I, I didn't want to push, you know? I mean. . . "
Kevin's fingers pressed against his mouth, quieting him. "Alexander. This is not your fault. He's purposefully shutting us both out. Trust me, if I thought he'd let me do anything for him, I would. But he won't." Kevin's fingers brushed against AJ's cheek. "But he can never turn you away. He never would."
AJ nodded, grabbing his bag and hoisting it over a shoulder. "You set it up so that we're rooming together tonight on purpose, didn't you?" A shrug was his only response and AJ rolled his eyes. "Dude, you do realize you missed your calling as a spy." He headed down the hall, then turned back briefly. "Don't worry. Things will be fine." He pushed his glasses further up his nose, stride long and sure. Hell yeah, he'd make sure things were fine.
Brian was sitting in a chair when he pushed the door open, head resting against the back of the chair, his eyes tightly closed. AJ paused in the doorway, his confidence suddenly waning. Damn but Brian looked exhausted, skin pale, his face drawn. Kevin was right, Brian wasn't remotely ready for this. And Brian never planned on letting any of them know that.
"Hey, you want the shower first?" AJ tossed his bag towards a bed, kicking off his shoes, trying to act like everything was fine, like he wasn't torn between taking Brian in his arms and hiding him from the world and going out and kicking the ass of everyone who was making Brian ache.
"What, oh, hey." Brian stirred a little in the chair and AJ could see that he was in his robe. "No, I showered already, it's all yours."
"Excellent." AJ stripped off his shirt, glancing over at Brian again. "What are you doing over there? Meditating?"
A faint smile at that and AJ felt a surge of pride. Brian hadn't even tried to smile in hours. "No. Just kind of sitting here. I know. I'm so interesting."
"You got that right," AJ muttered under his breath as he heading into the bathroom. He showered quickly, running over plans in his head. It was harder than you'd think to get Brian to talk about things he didn't want to. And maybe, AJ thought as he scrubbed his hair dry, maybe Brian didn't need to talk. Maybe he just needed to be reminded that they were there and they loved him and he didn't need to pretend things were fine around them.
"You know something?" AJ wandered out of the bathroom, tossing the towel aside and rummaging through his bag, fishing out his most comfortable pair of sweatpants and his oldest, softest t-shirt.
Brian turned his head and raised an eyebrow. "Yup. In fact, rumor is that I know lots of things."
AJ snorted as he pulled the t-shirt over his head. "You know, sometimes you and Kevin are so family it's freaky." He walked over, squeezing Brian's shoulders. "You do realize I'm supposed to be able to bounce a quarter off your ass, not your back, Bri. Come on." AJ tried to tug Brian up. "Lemme give you a back rub."
"AJ," Brian sighed, trying to resist, finally giving in as AJ simply kept tugging. "You don't have to do this." He settled on the bed, snagging a pillow, crossing his arms on top of it and resting his head on his arms.
"I know I don't have to, I want to." AJ straddled Brian, digging his fingers into Brian's back. "Come on, let me get my good deed for the month done here."
Brian shook his head, letting out a small moan as AJ worked a knot free. "You know that I know you're a big ol' puddy tat. Stop trying to pretend to be anything else. I know you too well."
AJ smacked Brian's ass. "Hey, now, let me try to maintain some dignity here." Brian laughed in response and AJ grinned widely. That was more like it. Slowly he felt Brian begin to relax beneath him and he began rubbing his palms in wide circles over Brian's back. "Bri? You asleep?"
"Mmmmm," Brian shifted beneath him and AJ moved so that Brian could turn onto his side. "Not quite. Just relaxed."
AJ lay down facing Brian, skimming his fingers over Brian's forehead. "You look it." AJ scooted a bit closer, snaking an arm around Brian's waist. "I'm going to say something and I want you to listen, okay? Just listen, I don't want to hear any arguments." Brian frowned at that and AJ rushed on. "It's nothing bad, I swear, but I think you need to hear it."
Brian nodded, eyes serious. "I'll try."
AJ smiled faintly. "Best I can ask for." He took a deep breath, tightening his hold on Brian's waist. "I know that you aren't fine yet, Brian. And I don't mean physically." He pressed his palm against Brian's heart, feeling it beating against his hand. "This has to be hard on you and we're doing everything we can, I'm doing everything I can, to help but we can't if you try to pretend everything is fine. It's not. And that's fine. It's fine not to be and it's fine to tell us that. If I could I'd tell Lou and the rest to back the fuck off but I can't. I can't do that. All I can do is try to help you in whatever way I can. But I can't do that if you don't let me know what you need." AJ leaned forward, brushing his lips against Brian's. "I'll give you anything I can. But you have to accept it."
Brian stared at him and AJ fought to keep his eyes from crossing, pressed nose to nose as they were. Finally, Brian's eyes closed and AJ tugged him closer.
"I'm so tired, AJ. I'm so tired and I'm scared that things are never going to get back on track like they were and I'm afraid of letting you all down and" AJ held on tightly as Brian's words came faster and faster. "I'm just so tired. All I want to do is sleep. And I can't. I can't. Every time I try to my mind starts racing."
AJ tugged the comforter up over them, turning onto his back and pulling Brian into his arms. "Shhh, stop worrying about it. Things will be fine." He combed his fingers through Brian's hair. "It'll be fine. You sleep and let me worry about all that. At least tonight." Brian snuffled against his neck and AJ kissed his shoulder. "I can't make all the thoughts stop, I know that. But I can give you one night's rest. Let me give you that."
Brian nodded slightly and AJ let out a sigh of relief. "You'll make sure we get up in time?"
"Yeah." AJ reached over, fiddling with Brian's travel clock, setting the alarm. "I got it." Brian nodded again, his breath slowly evening out. AJ stayed awake for hours, watching to make sure that Brian slept.