He tilted his head back and blew a steady stream of smoke into the air, watching as the light breeze swirled the pale gray haze around and around, twisting and spinning it off and away. He leaned back, resting on one arm and holding the other to his lips, savoring that long, last drag. One more deep lungful and he could feel the prickling as the embers touched his fingertips. He savored the slight shock of pain for a moment, then threw the butt far and wide, eyes slanting sideways to watch the faint red glow skitter across the sand. The wind blew away the last of the faint traces of scent and he slowly dropped his arm down, shifting so that he was now resting on both hands.
They were all gone now. Each and every one of the cigarettes from what he swore to himself would be his last pack. All of them smoked here, tonight, slowly savored as he wound his way through the people gathered to wish him well, all his friends laughing and smiling and patting him on the back and enjoying the night with him. All here to celebrate the one year anniversary of the end of one addiction. He stared up at the clear night sky, trying to pick out the constellations. The one year anniversary of the end of an addiction. And he figured it was the perfect time to end another.
A smile danced on his lips at that thought. Yes, change one addiction for another. He knew how it worked now, understood the process inside and out. Once an addict, always an addict. And it didn't matter to what. Drugs, thank god, he had narrowly managed to avoid being totally trapped by those. Alcohol, however, had slid into drugs' place so smoothly he never noticed the change. Not until it was almost too late. And once the alcohol was gone, there were still cigarettes. Sweet, sweet nicotine, there to fill alcohol's place. And now that was gone too. One addiction giving way to another. And he knew what it would be next.
He closed his eyes and let his thoughts roam and linger, let them wander and wend their way, always knowing where they would return. Where they had been returning night and day for so long now he couldn't remember a time when the steady thrum of it didn't run under everything else. The thoughts that were more addictive than any substance he ever tried. Sweet, pure, making his blood run hot and his body sing. The chemical highs were pale and small compared to this.
He snorted a little, shaking his head slightly. He supposed it was only fitting, only right that this happen to him after all the nasty, cutting things he said to others. Only right that he get blindsided by this, that he suddenly comprehend why the girls screamed at those words he always mocked. It was only right that he turn into this, that his palms start to sweat and his fingers twitch. The familiar addict urge. And it seemed so logical, so sensible that he rid himself of the last of the old addictions, that he free himself so he could concentrate solely on this new one. One addiction with another. And now he only wanted the one.
He sifted his fingers through the sand, letting the grains flow over his palms, feeling the trickle as small piles formed next to his thighs. It was soothing to sit on the small patch of beach and play with the sand and watch the night sky, to be present and absent all at once. It was calming, far more calming than cigarettes, to sit here with a low breeze on his face and thoughts dancing in his mind. He could hear the voices behind him and he smiled again, waiting for the sound that he knew would come.
"Hey, Bone, what are you doing out here? I've been looking for you," Nick called out, flopping down next to him, eyes warm and happy.
AJ glanced over then waved back towards the house. "Just wanted to get away for a moment. I mean, y'all are great, and I really appreciate the effort and whatnot, but you know, it can be a bit much." A sudden loud gale of laughter rang in the night and Nick grinned, nodding.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," he bumped shoulders with AJ. "I had to basically run for my life. Next time you bail be sure to take me with you, you have no idea what it's been like to be stuck in there with them. Lord," Nick gave a theatrical shudder and AJ had to bite back a smile. "There they were going on and on about portfolio diversification and the cut in the capital gains tax and the use of charitable remainder unitrusts as a tax shelter for college education and then they all turn and stare at me and what am I supposed to do, admit that I just learned how to balance my checkbook all on my own last week?"
AJ started laughing out loud at that, noting the pleased smile that crossed Nick's face. "Yeah, why do you think I'm out here, I mean, I can only pretend to be a grown up for so long before getting an overwhelming urge to start throwing pate at people." Nick chuckled at that. They fell silent for a moment, and AJ noticed Nick watching him out the corner of his eye.
"You okay, really?" The question was asked calmly, but AJ could tell Nick was nervous by the way his fingers picked at the sand.
"I'm fine." AJ replied, his hand reaching over and settling over Nick's, pressing firmly for a moment before slipping away.
"I know you didn't want a big deal made out if, I tried to tell them," Nick turned to face AJ, reaching out and placing a hand on AJ's leg. "I really,"
"I know. It's ok, Nick. This was really more for them than me, I think," he concentrated hard on remaining still as the warmth of Nick's hand bled through the thin leather covering his legs. "They needed to do this, and," AJ smiled slightly, "you know me, always up for a party." AJ turned, their eyes meeting and holding. "I'm good."
"Yeah, I know." Nick opened his mouth then closed it again, tilting his head to one side. He turned back and matched AJ's posture, both leaning back and staring at the sky. After a moment he spoke again. "Hey, I think this is the first time tonight I've seen you without a cigarette in your hand. What's up with that? When did you start to chain smoke?"
"Hmmm," AJ hummed noncommittally, "just finishing the pack."
"Any particular reason why? Hey, look, Cassiopeia." Nick raised his arm, tracing the form with his finger.
AJ watched Nick's hand chart the pattern in the air, breath catching as the faint light from the house behind them cast shadows across Nick's face. Those oh so familiar features which had slowly become fresh and new over the last few months. Suddenly every action meant more, meant everything. Every touch and word feeding his addiction. He tore his gaze from Nick's hand, glad that the dark would hide the spots of color he could feel rising on his cheeks.
"Well, it's my last pack. Wanted to make sure none were left." He grinned at the look of surprise on Nick's face.
"Wow, I never thought you would quit, that's great, AJ," Nick hugged him tightly. "Cool. Wow, getting rid of all your vices, huh? So, what's next, gonna become a monk?" Nick started laughing at AJ's snort.
AJ pushed Nick back, slapping him lightly in the chest. "Fuck you, Carter. What kind of shitty friend are you, you're supposed to be all supportive and shit."
"Oh, you know I am, you feel that craving you just tell me and I'll be happy to hit you upside the head until the craving passes." Nick stood, brushing the sand from his pants. He reached down and held out a hand. "C'mon, clean boy, let's get back before they send out a search party."
AJ grasped the outstretched arm and Nick easily pulled him up. Nick tugged him close and held him tight for a moment. "I am so proud of you, Alexander," Nick whispered into AJ's ear, and they stayed that way for a moment, the simple words speaking volumes. AJ finally stepped back, running a hand through his hair.
"Yeah, we better get back," AJ murmured, falling into step beside Nick. They walked side by side, hands occasionally brushing against one another. They reached the steps to the back porch, the sound of the party washing over them. Nick bounced off when he saw Howie waving to him and AJ watched Nick walk away. He licked his lips, his thoughts twisting and wandering again. He could still feel the imprint of Nick's body pressed to his own and he relished the burn. Who needed chemicals when he had this.