Gubbinal
"Damn it!" Justin's shout brought all their heads up just in time to watch as he slammed his hand against the wall, shattering the phone that he still held.
"Jesus, Justin," Joey managed to get there first, spinning Justin around and prying his fingers open where they were clenched around the remnants of the phone. "The fuck is wrong with you?" Joey watched Justin's face closely as he gently prodded at Justin's palm. "Can you feel this? The last thing we need is for you breaking your hand right now."
Justin winced, frowning fiercely, then pulled his hand free from Joey's grip. "My hand's fine, phone's fucked, but my hand's fine, see," he flexed his fingers a few times, quietly letting out a sigh of relief that he could. "It's not broken. A little bloody but not broken. I better go clean up." He tried to duck away, hoping that he could make it to the bathroom before anyone asked him what the problem was.
"Justin," Lance said sharply and he stopped in the doorway, dropping his head in defeat. He should have known they wouldn't let him escape that easily. "Justin, you want to share what that was all about?" He could hear exactly how upset Lance was by how the words were said so calmly, in the way that there was no trace of emotion in his voice. Lance was only that calm when he was the most upset.
"No, I don't want to share." Justin snorted a little at the irony of that statement. Right. Didn't want to share. Wasn't that supposedly the whole problem in the first place? He sighed, steeling himself for the response that was sure to come.
"You know, that wasn't exactly a question," there was heat in Lance's voice now and Justin turned, trying to quickly think of some excuse, some answer that would explain his reaction without saying anything at all.
"Lance," JC gently tugged Lance back, sliding around between he and Justin. "Look, let me help Justin get cleaned up and then we can talk, ok?" Lance glared at JC for a moment, then nodded, stepping back. "Justin, come on, you're dripping on the floor."
Justin backed into the hall and let JC lead him down to the bathroom, staring at his feet the entire time. JC was quiet as he held Justin's hand under the water, gripping firmly as Justin hissed and tried to pull away. He turned Justin's hand back and forth, looking at it closely. "Looks like just some scrapes, won't even need a bandaid," he finally said as he held Justin's hand up, inspecting it closely. He dropped Justin's hand and then smiled faintly. "That was my phone you know."
"Oh shit, C, I'm sorry," Justin's eyes widened as he looked over at JC. "I mean it, shit, I'm so sorry, you can have mine until I get you another one, I didn't even think about that, I mean, shit, man, I'm sorry." He felt his face flame and he shook his head, feeling even worse now.
"Yeah, I figured you might be sorry." JC tugged him back towards the room where they were waiting for him, pulling against Justin's reluctant weight. He paused right before they entered and whispered softly in Justin's ear. "The sooner you start explaining the sooner this will be over, you know."
Justin nodded and JC squeezed his shoulder then they entered the room. Joey, Lance and Chris were sitting on the couch staring at him expectantly. He absently ran a hand through his hair as JC moved to perch on the arm next to Joey. He cleared his throat, feeling vaguely like he was on trial.
"Right, um, well that was that radio station in Philadelphia, that call in thing, don't worry," he held up a hand before they could interrupt him. "They had already hung up." He started to pace a little, a sharp spike of anger flaring as he thought back to what they said. "And well, ever since MTV ran that fucking thing on Grammy night well, you know that shit always comes up and," his steps quickened as the anger grew, "I really want to know where they get the fuck off to run that piece of shit, I mean, it's not like it said anything, and what was up with trying to imply that I'm leaving and that our 15 minutes are up when everyone knows that the whole reason they ran it is because they know that all they have to say is something is coming up about us and people will watch and I mean,"
"Justin," Joey called out, cutting him off in the middle of his rant, "we've already heard this a million times. You mind getting to the reason why you lost it anytime soon?"
"Sorry." Justin took a breath, trying to sort it out in his head before starting again. He wished there was some way to say it that didn't make him feel like an idiot, but there wasn't. Best to simply plow through and hope they understood. "Um, well, that stupid dj, he repeated that shit about how I'm the important one and you guys are all replaceable and well, I might have snapped a little. And I told him that I could hang up on him for saying that and sure I might be working on a solo thing, but we all were and JC was going to help write and Lance and I were talking about doing that song together and no matter what I'm with us first. And that's why I lost it. I mean, I'm sick of it." He threw his hands in the air and turned to face them, noting how they were all frowning at him. "Fuck, ok, I'm tired of being nice about it all the time. You think I don't know that everyone thinks I'm some kind of selfish, spoiled, temper tantrum throwing brat?" He laughed bitterly at that. "Ok, maybe slamming JC's phone into the wall wasn't the best way to prove otherwise, and I'm sorry, C, I really really am, I did forget it was your phone, but seriously, I mean, I'm sick of it. And I feel like there's nothing I can do about it, that the more I try to do or say the worse the problem gets and I know you guys know I don't think that, but I can't, I mean, I'm so sick of hearing all the snide comments and the slams and they can say what they want about me but I hate hearing all the shit they say about you guys and then I worry that you'll think I think that way and," he paused to suck in a breath, staring at them and waiting for a reaction as he panted slightly.
"Justin, you idiot," Lance sighed as he pushed off the couch. "You can't let it get to you like this." He hugged Justin briefly, then pulled back and thumped his shoulder lightly. "You have to get it under control, I mean, you can't freak like that during a press conference."
"As much as I would pay to see that," JC wryly added. "J, c'mon, we know what's going on. And remember, there's no such thing as bad press." He smiled at Justin and Justin smiled tentatively back, trying to push aside the residual resentment.
"Exactly," Joey added, snagging onto one of Justin's wrists as Lance pushed him forward. He tugged Justin down until he was sitting on the couch between Chris and Joey, Joey's arm draped over his shoulders. "As long as they're talking about us, that's good. It's when people don't care about what we're doing that we have to worry, ok?" He squeezed and Justin nodded, beginning to feel slightly foolish. Ok, maybe he had overreacted, but it did infuriate him. Why was what he did so much more interesting than what they did? It wasn't fair. That's what hurt the most. The unfairness of it all. All the rest of them did other things, be it Lance and Joey acting or JC producing and writing for other groups or FuMan for Chris. Why was it so much bigger when he did something too? He sighed, trying to regain his calm. Lance was right after all. He had to get this under control. He dropped his head back and closed his eyes tightly, wishing again that he had never agreed to that stupid interview in the first place. Damn MTV. Damn press. Damn idiot him for shooting off his mouth.
He felt the couch shift as Joey stood, moving to join JC and Lance on the other side of the room where they were already moving onto the next crisis. He felt the warmth of Chris's body next to his and he finally opened his eyes, licking his lips as he turned his head to Chris. Chris had been strangely quiet the whole time and Justin was afraid to look at him, afraid to see his reaction. Chris's level gaze met his and he sighed again, this time in relief. No anger, just quiet understanding.
"Sorry I freaked," Justin said softly, tilting his head to rest on Chris's shoulder.
"Don't worry about it, better with us than in front of cameras," Chris replied. They stayed like that for a moment, then Chris spoke again. "People suck."
"Yeah," Justin nodded a little, leaning so that he was pressed as closely as he could get to Chris's side. "You're right. They do."
Gubbinal
That strange flower, the sun,
Is just what you say.
Have it your way.
The world is ugly,
And the people are sad.
That tuft of jungle feathers
That animal eye,
Is just what you say.
That savage of fire,
That seed,
Have it your way.
The world is ugly,
And the people are sad.