Pretty Pictures
His fingers skated over the envelope on the sofa next to him. The instructions had been clear. When this time came, he was to open the envelope. That much was clear. It was what was to happen next that had been a little vague. All he had been told was that it would be obvious what he was supposed to do once the envelope was open.
He could feel the outline of a jewel case inside, but nothing more. He traced the edges absently, ridges forming through the thin padding. For long moments he stared, unaware of anything else around him.
With a soft sigh he ripped it open and pulled out the contents. All it contained was a dvd in a clear case. He shook the envelope, but nothing else fell out. No letter. No note. Just the dvd in a case which had no cover and no label. Just a silver disc refracting faint rainbows across the room. He made his way over to the television and the player, kneeling down to place the disc in the tray. He stepped back, grabbed the remote and turned on the television. The screen stayed black and he cocked his head, puzzled. He started forward, frowning, running through the checklist of potential problems in his head, curses gathering on the tip of his tongue. He knew better than to let them mess with his setup. They never put things back together the way they were supposed to be and he was always left to pull it all apart and try to puzzle out the connections yet again.
"Damn them. Why can they never leave anything alone, stupid. . ." The whisper trailed off as he looked down. There it was, the most obvious solution of all. He forgot to hit play. A hint of a smile flicked across his face, then he stepped back and grabbed the remote once again. He pressed play firmly then waited.
The screen stayed black for a moment, then suddenly burst into a confusion of sound and color.
"Hey man, I know this is going to be amazingly stupid so don't show anyone else, 'k." He went still as Justin's voice sounded out through the speakers. The image came suddenly into focus. It appeared to be a portion of the backyard. "Yeah, yeah, I know this is a really, really boring shot, but I needed to start somewhere. Guess I should have been paying more attention in all those damn prep meetings we did for the videos. Might have learned something. But it'll get better in a minute." The screen went black again as Justin continued. "This is so not going to be all smooth and professional but I didn't want to ask for any help. Well, any more than I already had to. Just deal, man."
He fell back onto the couch, eyes riveted to the screen as the black faded out and something else started to play. This time it was a clip of them rehearsing somewhere, it looked like one of the halls in Germany. The picture jerked and jumped and it was obvious this was someone's home movie. A sudden zoom and sure enough, there they were, stumbling around, laughing and yelling and terribly young. He heard a shout and there was Justin, clinging to Joey's back as Chris chased them across the stage.
"I know what you're thinking and you're right. It's Germany." Justin's voice cut over the images. "It's Frankfurt. I'm pretty sure it is anyway, it's kind of hard to tell from this. But still, it's Germany when I was about fifteen. Can you see the date stamp in the corner?"
He leaned forward, grabbing the remote from where he dropped it on the floor and hitting pause. There was a yellow blur in the bottom of the screen and he looked down, thankful that Justin had once taken four hours to show him how to use all the buttons. He located the zoom and focused in on the date. Sure enough, there was the date stamp. He frowned a little, trying to place why that date was important. No one's birthday. No one's anniversary. He concentrated harder, then shook his head in frustration. He clicked the image back to full size, then hit play again.
The image ran a few seconds more and he smiled as he watched Lance enter the frame. It seemed impossible to believe they were once so young.
"Bet you don't know why that date's important." Justin sounded smug. "And I know damn well you paused to check it out. Aren't you glad I showed you how to use that zoom thing?" He couldn't help but laugh along with Justin's chuckle. "Seriously, I knew you would have no idea what that date means. Well, that's the night I first came and told you that I was so confused because I was feeling all this stuff and didn't know what it meant. God, you were so supportive and so sweet and so, I don't know, so great about it. I remember you hugged me and told me no matter what it was going to be fine and not to worry about it. That you would always be there for me. I went back to my room and cried a little and then went and stood in front of the mirror, looked myself in the eye and said 'I'm gay.' That was the first time I ever said it out loud. And it was because you gave me the strength to admit it. I've always considered that to be the night I came out. Even if only you knew."
He swallowed hard as the screen went black again. He wished he thought to grab a drink, but, no, it was better this way. Better to watch this clear headed. At least this first time.
He flinched as the sound kicked back in, booming through the room. This time it was video from a party. He immediately recognized this. It was his 25th birthday party. The image was steadier this time, the movement of the camera more sure. He leaned forward, waiting for Justin to speak. He was starting to have a fairly good idea where this was heading.
"Okay. Now, this is pretty self-explanatory. And if you don't remember what happened this night, I swear to God you don't have a romantic bone in your body. And we both know that's not true." The camera panned around and he wondered briefly where Justin had managed to dig up the footage. There was Chris and Joey again. Lance talking to someone and looking all serious while everyone else was bombed around him. Then Justin. Leaning against the refrigerator and grinning happily. The camera zoomed in on him and he heard someone, he figured it was Steve, say "C'mon, Justin, any words for the birthday boy?" Justin grinned into the camera, working it like his always did. "Hell yeah, happy birthday, man. Hope you get everything you want. Because that's what you deserve." Another huge smile, then the camera was spinning around. And then there he was, drunk and happy and leaning on the wall.
The image froze on that. "That was the night I first kissed you." Justin's voice again, echoing in the stillness of his living room. "I remember every second of it. How I waited until everyone else left. How my hands shook when I reached for you. How you tasted. How you looked when I pulled back, God, you were so stunned. You know, I don't know if I ever told you this before, but I thought you were going to deck me for a second. You looked so shocked and all I could think was shit, I just fucked this up. Then you grabbed me and kissed me back. I thought that was the happiest moment of my life."
The screen went black again and he let out a shaky breath. He remembered that night too. So well. He had no clue that Justin wanted him until Justin's mouth was closing on his. And he had almost hit Justin. He had. He thought it was some kind of twisted joke, a birthday present gone horribly wrong. Something that Chris and Joey put him up to. Then he saw the look on Justin's face and realized it was a real present. That Justin was giving him the one thing that he always wanted.
Another bright flicker and this time the image was the front of Justin's first house. "Ok, now I know you know where this is. You better, you're the one who talked me into getting this place." He could see the grin on Justin's face even though the picture was of the front porch. "This is where we made love the first time. Right there," the image swung to what had been Justin's bedroom window. "Took us long enough. Made me woo you for six whole months before you would put out. Cock tease." The grin was audible in Justin's voice. "I remember every second of that night too. And I think I better stop talking about that right now before I get arrested for public indecency. But I'm sure you remember too." There was a small pause, then Justin began speaking again. "It was perfect, you know that, right? So much better than I imagined. So much better than it had ever been before. Because it was you. And it was the first time I made love. I had had a lot of sex before that. But no one had ever made love with me. Not until you. I thought that was the happiest moment of my life."
The picture stayed up a moment more and he could hear cars going past and the sound of a dog barking. Then blackness again. He leaned back, breathing deeply, trying to calm the racing of his heart. Yes, he remembered that night perfectly as well. Yes, he made them wait. Because they both had had far far too much meaningless casual sex. And he was going to be damned if that was all it was between them. But it wasn't. When they finally went to bed, six months to the day after they first kissed, it was anything but meaningless. And as far from casual as was possible to get. Afterwards, lying in Justin's arms, he knew that he was lost. That this was it and he was Justin's forever. Whether Justin wanted him or not.
A glare of white startled him out of his thoughts. He watched, confused. All he could see was the front of a boat and waves crashing around it. Then a sudden swerve and he caught his breath. There was the Sydney Opera House, filling the screen. He felt the tears begin to fill his eyes and he angrily dashed them away.
"Sydney. Remember, we went to Australia for vacation. You took this. That's why it sucks so much." A yelp of laughter escaped him at Justin's jibe. And, he had to admit, it did suck. He remembered Justin's frustration at his inability to hold the camera still. "Anyway, we went on that boat thing around the city. Then out to dinner. Then you made me sit through that sorry ass opera. I mean, I know you like all that cultural shit, but, man, that sucked. Wagner or something, that would have been fine. But Carmen? Please." He laughed again at the memory. Justin had not been happy when they got to the opera house. "You looked amazing that night though. All suave and Bond, James Bond in that tux. I can't believe we made it through without me jumping you. Or you jumping me. I looked pretty snazzy myself." And there Justin was, dressed in the tux, laughing and waving for him to turn the camera off. He remembered that too. How after the opera ended they barely managed to make it to the limo. How the second they hit their room Justin ripped his jacket from him. How he ripped Justin's shirt off. How they never actually made it to the bed.
"Yeah, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about the wild, hot, crazed monkey sex we had afterwards. But you know what I'm thinking." The image shifted again, now it was the next morning. And it was him, lying in bed, flipping off the camera and trying to burrow under the covers. "I'm thinking about how afterwards we went and stood on the balcony and you took my hand and said I love you. That was the first time you said it. And the first time I said it back. I thought that was the happiest moment of my life."
The screen went black again and this time when the tears welled up he let them fall. Oh, he remembered that. The way the words just fell from his lips when he saw Justin laughing in the moonlight. The sudden clench of his heart when Justin turned to him, eyes impossibly huge in the dark. The frantic crush against his body when Justin launched himself into his arms, kissing him over and over. The abrupt end of the kiss. Then Justin staring him dead in the eyes and saying those words back.
The screen lit up again and he looked up. This time it was their bedroom, the bed centered in the frame. He heard scuffling, then Justin entered the shot. "I couldn't get the remote thing to work, sorry. I told you this wasn't going to be very smooth." Justin settled into the center of the bed, running a hand over his scalp. His head was shaved again. He was thin, so very thin. And pale, skin nearly glowing white in the sunlight streaming through the windows. His eyes were enormous, the blue smudges underneath only making him look even more ethereal.
"Ok, I'm sure you figured out what all that was. Little pretty pictures from the most important moments in my life. And, as you could see, they all involved you. And now here I am. Another important bridge about to be crossed." Justin looked down, and he could see Justin's hands clenching and unclenching in his lap. "I never want to leave you. You know that, you have to know that. I said forever and I meant it. It wasn't supposed to play out like this. We were supposed to have years and years. We would watch Behind the Music together and laugh when they told the story of how we were together all those years and no one ever knew. And then Where Are They Now and you would be this, like, Quincy Jones type producer and I, of course, would still be a huge superstar. And then more time would pass and we would grow old and I would make fun of you when you got fat, like that would ever happen, and you would mock me when my tattoos started to fade. And we would hear our stuff on an oldies station and laugh and laugh and laugh. That's how it's supposed to be." Justin looked back up and tried to smile and he thought he would scream at the pain on Justin's face. "But this is how it is. You know I never want to leave you. You know that. And I did everything, everything to try to stop it. But here we are. I told you last night that there was nothing left to be done. And you held me and cried and said it didn't matter how long we had because you would take any second you could get and consider yourself blessed. And then, then I knew that every moment, every second since you've come into my life has been the happiest moment of my life. Because you were there." He watched as Justin suddenly grinned. "And I don't care how stupid and sappy and girly it makes me to say that. I mean, if I can't be stupid and sappy and girly now when can I be, right?" Justin laughed and he laughed along with him, trying to breathe through the pain. "Anyway. I just wanted you to know. I love you. And I'm going to miss you so fucking much until I get to be with you again. Which better not be for a long, long time. Don't you do anything stupid, okay, you can't do that. I'll so kick your ass if you do. You have to stay there and take care of the rest of them and let them take care of you. And whenever you get lonely just put this in and there I'll be and you can remember all the good times. And know that I never wanted to leave you. But, you know, it's okay. Because I love you and you love me and we got to have each other. And we are so fucking lucky because so many people never get that. But we did. We do." He heard his voice calling through the speakers "Justin, you okay?" Justin rolled his eyes and stood, moving towards the camera.
"I gotta go. As you can hear, you're already being all mother hen. And I have to go call Lance and have him tell me how to transfer this and the other stuff over to dvd. Anyway, I love you. And every time I say that I'm happier then I ever thought anyone could be." Justin moved out of the frame and then everything went black.
He sat there, waiting for something else. But there was nothing more.
"JC?" He turned to see Joey standing in the doorway, looking worried. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I just, Justin, he left me," he waved a hand towards the television as he stood, smoothing down the front of his suit. He didn't even try to hide the tears rolling down his face.
"Oh, wow, that's, wow, you sure you're okay?" Joey slowly walked over to him, eyes huge.
"Yes. It, it helps." He stepped forward and Joey wrapped his arms tightly around him.
"We have to go. The limo's out front and everyone's waiting." He nodded into Joey's chest and let himself be led outside, Justin's voice still echoing in his ears.