Time After Time
AJ stared at the ceiling, watching the smoke swirl around, concentrating on the gray cloud for a moment before raising the cigarette to his lips once again. He noted idly that his hands were trembling only slightly now, just a faint quiver as opposed to the frank shaking that had rendered him nearly incapable of holding anything. He supposed that was better, that he was improving after all. They told him that the worst of the physical part was over. He certainly hoped so because he was quite certain that he couldn't go through that again. AJ snorted. He supposed that in and of itself was motivation enough not to ever start drinking again. He definitely did not want to have to go through drying out ever, ever again.
He blew out another stream of smoke towards the ceiling, then reached over and crushed out the cigarette, bracing himself for what he had to say. The physical part was over. Now the hard part began. Now that he wasn't concentrating on simply trying to hold on and breathe from moment to moment, now that the shakes and the screams and the nightmares were fading, now he had the time to think. And not thinking was the reason he began drinking in the first place. But there was no choice now. Now he had to think. Now he had to face all those things he didn't want to consider. Now he had to concentrate. And all he could think about at the moment was one thing.
He leaned back in his chair, glancing at Kevin from the corner of his eye, thankful that they understood the need for the dark glasses. Facing the rest of them was hard enough. He couldn't face it if he had to do it naked. He watched Kevin for a moment, seeing how tightly Kevin's hands were clenched together on his lap. Perfectly still, perfectly composed as always. Kevin.
"You kicked the door down." AJ cleared his throat, his voice husky even to his own ears. "You fucking kicked the door down."
"Yes," Kevin's voice was flat, as emotionless as AJ had ever heard him. AJ winced. He knew what that meant. The less emotion Kevin showed the worse it was inside. "Yes. I kicked the door down."
"Why?" That was all he could think about, the thing he kept turning over and over in his mind. He could hear the sound of the door shattering, could still feel the shock that washed over him when he saw Kevin stride through the door, could hear the screaming and all the rest of it. And he still could feel the shock. Kevin. Kevin kicked down a door. Kevin. Kicked down a door to get to him. Kevin.
"I kicked down the door because I figured you were unconscious. Or dead." AJ closed his eyes tightly as Kevin spoke. He could hear the faint wavering under the cold tone. He could practically feel the tension pouring off Kevin as he tried to stay calm. "And if you were lying there in a pool of your own vomit or blood there was no way I was going to let some maid making $5.50 an hour find you. If anyone," Kevin's voice cracked and AJ shivered. "If anyone was going to find you it was going to be me. It had to." Kevin's words were shaky now. "It had to be me."
"Alex, I know you said that this was the incident that lead you to realize," AJ held up a hand, cutting off the counselor. Yes, yes, that was what did it, what finally made him realize just how bad he had become. Yes. But Kevin already knew that. He had told him that. He knew Kevin knew.
"You kicked down the door." AJ reached over, blindly groping for Kevin's hand. He tipped his head down as Kevin linked their fingers together, squeezing so tightly AJ felt the blood begin to drain from his hand. "You kicked down that door."
"I had to. I had to." Now it was Kevin's hand that was shaking and AJ held on tightly.
"Thank you." AJ lifted his head up, squeezing Kevin's hand. "Thank you." Kevin squeezed back and AJ held on tightly. Kevin kicked the door down. Now all he had to do was walk through.
AJ turned the key over and over in his hand, staring at the door. He let out a long breath, trying to convince himself that he was right, that this was the right thing to do. He stepped back, looking over the front of the house again. It was perfectly dark, the house perfectly still. AJ nodded sharply, stepping back in front of the door again.
"Look, McLean, you can do this. You aren't that big a wuss," AJ muttered to himself as he punched in the alarm code, biting his lip. He hoped that Kevin hadn't changed the code. The light blinked green and AJ slipped the key in the lock, grabbing the bags as he stepped into the house.
"Kevin?" AJ looked around, eyes adjusting to the dark. "Richardson, I know you're here, so don't even play like this." AJ headed towards the kitchen, flicking on a light. The light gleamed off the stainless steel, everything perfectly immaculate, not a plate out, not a crumb on the counters. "Fuck." AJ headed for the refrigerator, pulling the door open and glancing at the shelves. Sheer whiteness glowed back at him. "I knew it." He set the bags on the counter then quickly unloaded everything, making a note to call for more stuff the next day. What he brought would do in a pinch, but they would definitely need more.
He brushed his hand on his legs, then headed down a hallway. "Kevin, look, this isn't funny." AJ ducked his head into a bedroom, trying to tamp down the churning in his stomach. "McLean, he's not you. Stop it." He opened the door to the next bedroom, giving it a cursory glance before heading into the bathroom. Still no one. Still perfect clean and still perfectly quiet. "Fuck. Look, Richardson, now I am starting to worry." AJ stumbled over the corner of the couch as he headed through the living room. He rubbed his shin, frowning. God, he hated that he didn't have this place memorized. He was used to being able to make his way blindfolded through all their homes. His head snapped around as he heard a noise coming from outside and he practically ran towards the doors leading to the balcony. He slipped outside, looking over to see Kevin propped against a corner, knees drawn to his chest, staring out at the ocean. AJ carefully walked over, sliding down the wall next to him, looking Kevin over. The gentle glow from the houses below cast shadows on Kevin's face, picking out the hollows in his cheeks. His hair was messy and he hadn't shaved and it looked like he hadn't moved for hours.
"So, what's up?" AJ drew his own knees up, staring straight ahead and mimicking Kevin's posture. His heart was pounding in his chest and he could feel his palms begin to sweat. He had no idea what to do, not really. He couldn't believe they let it come to this, that they had believed Kevin when he told them he would be fine alone. He should have known better. He did know better. He should never have let it come to this.
Kevin barked out a bitter laugh. "Oh, not much. Enjoying the view." He turned to face AJ and AJ forced himself to meet Kevin's eyes. "What? Did you draw the short straw?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" AJ's eyes roamed Kevin's face, the heat of Kevin's gaze burning him.
"I'm guessing y'all decided I needed minding. So what, you didn't duck out of the room fast enough?" Kevin shook his head sharply. "I told y'all I was fine."
"First, I wanted to come. Second, you are clearly not fine." AJ heard the anger in his voice but couldn't push it away. "You haven't left the house in two weeks. You haven't called any of us back in at least a week. Howie's been calling every hour on the hour. I practically had to tie Nick and Brian up to keep them from calling the cops. So you will forgive me if I don't think you're fucking fine. I came over to here to see that you were ok, that you weren't," AJ stopped, swallowing hard. "I wanted to come. You need us. You do."
"I'm fine, I am," AJ scooted a bit closer as Kevin began to shake. "I am. I swear."
"Shhh," AJ wrapped an arm around Kevin's shoulder, pulling him close. "You're not. How could you be?" He shifted so that Kevin was resting against his chest, hands roaming over his back. "You don't have to be fine. Let go, come on, Kevin. Let go."
AJ closed his eyes as Kevin's head dropped to his shoulder, his words muffled as he spoke into AJ's chest. "She. I know she's left before. But this time. She said. She wants. She said she wants a divorce. And I don't." AJ held on tightly as Kevin shook harder. "I don't know what I did. I don't. Alex." Kevin lifted his head and AJ's breath caught at the pain in his eyes. "I don't know what I did."
"It's not. It's not you. I promise." Kevin dropped his head back down and AJ held on, biting the side of his cheek as Kevin began to cry. He rocked them slightly, blinking back his own tears. Strong. He had to stay strong. "She doesn't deserve you. Not if she leaves. She doesn't." AJ shook his head, feeling helpless. He didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say. "She doesn't." He brushed a hand through Kevin's hair. "Baby, it'll be ok. I swear. I swear." He brushed his lips over Kevin's cheek, the salt making his lips tingle. "Baby, I swear."
Kevin finally pulled back, swiping at his face. "Shit. I'm sorry, I didn't mean,"
"Fuck, Kevin, do not even begin to apologize." AJ reached up, wiping the last of the moisture from Kevin's cheeks. "It's why I'm here. You've been there for me. Now it's my turn."
"But you don't have to do this. It's, it's my problem. I'll deal. I can," Kevin drew in a sharp breath and AJ could feel Kevin slamming the door on his emotions. "I'll be fine."
"Fuck you, Richardson. You aren't going to do this." AJ grabbed his shoulders, shaking him slightly. "You are not going to do this. You are not going to fucking try to deal on your own. You kicked that door down for me. Don't think for one moment I won't do the same for you. You have to let me do the same for you."
Kevin stared at him and AJ stared right back, refusing to drop his eyes.
"You don't owe me anything. You know that." Kevin finally sighed out.
"Fucking right I don't owe you. It's not about that." AJ pushed to his feet, then held out a hand. "As nice as it is out here, let's go inside. Those couches look a lot more comfortable than this cement."
Kevin took AJ's hand, pulling himself up, wobbling slightly. "You're probably right." Kevin snorted. "And if that doesn't prove that I'm going out of my mind nothing does."
AJ eyed Kevin, watching as he swayed. "Kevin. When's the last time you ate? Or slept? Don't lie to me, I won't be angry, I just want to know." AJ backed them into the house, holding on to Kevin's hand.
"Um, I think. Um. I don't. I'm not really sure." Kevin let AJ guide him down the hall.
AJ swore under his breath. "Ok, well, I think sleep is the most important thing right now. We'll worry about food later." He started into Kevin's bedroom, startled when Kevin jerked back.
"I can't." Kevin swallowed, looking past AJ into the bedroom. "I can't sleep in there."
"What? Why can't you," AJ paused, then flipped on the light, looking around. The first thing he saw was the picture on the nightstand, Kristin resplendent in her wedding gown. "Right." He snapped off the light, then pushed Kevin back gently. "You know, I think I like this room better any way." He pushed open a door, hoping it was a bedroom. He let out a sigh of relief when he turned on a lamp and there was a bed.
"Sure you do. AJ, you've been here what? Once before." Kevin sat down on the bed and AJ grinned at him.
"Shut up." He eyed Kevin, chewing on his lip. "Why don't you hop in the shower and I'll grab you some clothes, then beddy bye for all good boybanders."
Kevin ran a hand through his hair, wrinkling his nose in distaste. "Yeah, a shower would be good. But I'm not sure about the sleep thing. I'm not tired."
AJ stared at him. "Kevin. You look like you're going to pass out any second." He pointed towards a door. "You're going to shower then sleep. No arguments allowed."
Kevin sighed. "It's not that I don't want to sleep. I can't." Kevin pushed off the bed, heading for the bathroom.
"I thought the doctor gave you stuff for that." AJ leaned against the doorframe, watching as Kevin pulled off his shirt. He stifled a gasp when he saw how thin Kevin was, the lines of his ribs stark.
Kevin leaned forward, turning on the water. "I haven't been taking it."
"Fuck, Kevin. You have to sleep." AJ stepped forward, turning Kevin around. "You're fucking shaking, hell, I'm almost afraid to leave you alone in here. You have to fucking sleep."
Kevin tried to pull away. "I don't like taking them. And I'm fine."
AJ let go, holding up his hands. "The hell you are. You shower. I'll get you something to sleep in. And for the love of God, Richardson, try not to fall and break something while I'm gone." AJ turned on his heel and headed back into Kevin's bedroom, rooting through the dresser and finding a pair of sweatpants then heading into the bathroom. He sorted through the stuff on the counter, biting back anger as he shoved aside Kristin's hairbrush. There. He picked up the prescription bottle, opening it and dumping the pills into his palm, counting them quickly. "Fuck, Kevin." He shook his head. They were all there. Every one. He tipped the pills back into the bottle, then grabbed a glass, filling it with water. He headed back into the spare room, listening closely as Kevin showered. The water finally went off and AJ waited a few moments more, then opened the bathroom door, peering inside.
"Everything ok in here?" He pushed the door open a bit more, seeing Kevin leaning against the counter, a towel wrapped around his waist.
"I'm fine. Just a bit dizzy." Kevin quietly answered as AJ slid into the room.
"Dizzy. Right. Ok." AJ wrapped an arm around Kevin's waist and pulled him towards the bed. "It's probably from the lack of food too. Do you want some toast or something?" He carefully pushed Kevin down before handing him the sweats.
Kevin smiled a bit grimly. "Not much point of that. I probably won't hold it down anyway." He pulled the towel off, tossing it aside, then slipped on the sweats. AJ tried to ignore the way they were practically falling off Kevin's hips.
AJ shook out a pill and picked up the glass of water. "You're taking this." He handed the water to Kevin. "Do not fight me on this or I swear to God I'll call Brian."
Kevin glared at him but AJ refused to back down. Kevin finally reached out, taking the pill and swallowing it down. "You don't play fucking fair."
"Yeah, well, I learned from the best." AJ settled on the end of the bed, watching as Kevin slid under the sheets. "Sleep. We'll talk more in the morning."
Kevin murmured something in response, eyes already shut. AJ drew his legs up under him, leaning forward and resting his head on his hands, watching as Kevin's chest rose and fell for several minutes before he slid off the bed, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Kevin's forehead. "You're scaring the fuck out of me, Kevin." AJ walked out of the room, leaning against the wall, eyes still locked on Kevin's sleeping form as he pulled out his phone.
"AJ?" Nick's voice was high and strained. "Shit. I was about to call. How? Is he ok? Should we come over, we're coming over, shit, AJ, tell me he's ok, please."
"He's sleeping right now. He, um," AJ swallowed, trying to think of what to say. "He's not good. He hasn't been eating or sleeping much. But he'll be fine. Nick, I promise, he'll be fine."
"Don't lie to me. AJ, don't tell me that just because you think it's what I want to hear, don't you fucking do that to me." Nick sounded angry and AJ sighed.
"I'm not. I promise. But he barely is tolerating me being here, so I don't think all of us showing up will help. I'll have him call you tomorrow, I promise, ok? Put Brian on. And will you call Howie for me?"
"Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I'm just worried, you know?" Nick sighed and AJ sighed with him.
"Nick, I get it. Let me talk to Brian," AJ shifted the phone to the other ear, stepping forward when Kevin began to stir on the bed. He watched closely, ready to hang up, before Kevin settled back down.
"AJ?" Brian sounded calm and AJ felt some tension leave his shoulders. "You got him to sleep?"
"By forcing him to take one of his sleeping pills, yeah. Brian, he hasn't been taking them at all." AJ rested against the doorframe. "He promised you he would, right?"
"Yes. He did. I should have known better than to believe that. Has he been eating?" Brian's voice quavered and AJ could hear Nick in the background muttering something to Brian. AJ hoped it was something comforting.
"It looks like he's lost at least fifteen pounds. If not more." AJ heard the hiss. "I know. There wasn't a damn thing to eat in the house either. That was a good idea, having me bring stuff."
Brian snorted. "If there's one thing about my beloved cousin it's that he's predictable as hell." There was a pause and AJ picked at his jeans. "You'll call tomorrow? Let us know when we can come over?"
"I will. Brian," AJ closed his eyes. "He said she wants a divorce."
"That bitch." AJ flinched back from the venom in Brian's voice. "How can she do this?"
"I know, I know." AJ sighed. "I'll call you tomorrow, I swear. He, um, he's really going to need us."
"Right. I know you'll take care of him, Alex." Brian hung up and AJ thumbed his phone off, tossing it onto a chair then settling back down on the bed, watching Kevin sleep.
"You know it." AJ reached out and placed a hand on Kevin's leg, rubbing slightly. "You know it."
Kevin woke up slowly, blinking in the brightness of the room. He pushed up, rubbing at his eyes, still disoriented. This wasn't his bedroom and there was someone singing and the smell of eggs and he felt rested but still as if his head were filled with cotton. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, standing and stretching and nearly falling over.
"Whoa, hey," AJ darted into the room. "Take it easy. You'll probably still be dizzy until you eat something." He reached out, helping Kevin get steady on his feet. "I've got breakfast almost ready, nothing major, but it'll help."
Kevin shook his head slightly. "You didn't have to do that." He followed AJ into the kitchen. "And besides," Kevin glanced around, seeing the pile of toast on a plate, the sausage still grilling on the stove, "I didn't know I had food."
"You didn't." AJ pointed at a stool. "Sit." He turned back to the stove, stirring the eggs. "I brought stuff." AJ turned off the burners, then arranged a plate, sliding it in front of Kevin. "Now you're going to eat that and you are not going to give me grief." AJ grabbed a plate for himself and sat down next to Kevin. "Eat, Richardson."
Kevin rolled his eyes, then picked up a fork, taking a small bite. "Wow, barely burnt at all."
AJ wrinkled his nose at Kevin. "Fuck off, I can cook." He blinked as Kevin stared at him. "I can. When I want to."
"Sure you can." Kevin ate slowly, trying to enjoy the food and not just wolf it down. "I didn't realize how hungry I was."
"Yeah, you don't until you start eating again. Want some tea? I think coffee would be a bit much for your stomach right now." AJ slid off the stool, opening cabinets until he found some coffee mugs.
"Tea would be nice," Kevin pushed away his plate. "You really didn't have to do all this."
AJ shrugged, filling the mugs with water and putting them in the microwave. "I told you, I want to." They were both silent as the mugs spun on the turntable. The microwave beeped and AJ took the mugs out, dropping in tea bags, then placing one in front of Kevin, sitting back down and blowing on his own.
Kevin warmed his hands on the mug, staring at the counter. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry everyone."
AJ hummed lowly, then turned to Kevin. "Can I ask you something?"
Kevin nodded. "Of course."
AJ bit at his lip for a moment, then let out a sigh. "Was that what it was like? I mean. Before. When I. When I was doing all that stuff. Was that what it was like for you? Watching and waiting and terrified that I wouldn't. That I wouldn't be ok. Was that what it was like?"
Kevin paused, the mug resting against his lower lip, before he took a slow sip. "Probably."
AJ nodded sharply. "I thought so. I'm sorry."
Kevin reached over, grasping AJ's forearm. "Hey, hey, that was a long time ago. You don't have to apologize anymore. We're way past that."
"No, I know. I know. But still. I never knew it was that hard." AJ sighed, then looked away. "Nick really needs to see you. He seriously was about to call the cops."
Kevin spun the mug between his hands. "I don't know."
"Look, let them come over for a bit, then I'll throw them out. Besides, I want someone to be here with you while I go home to get some stuff." AJ swallowed down the rest of his tea, then began to gather up their plates.
Kevin frowned at him. "What do you mean while you go get some stuff?"
"Well, since I'll be staying here I'll need some stuff." AJ waggled a finger at Kevin. "I don't want to hear about it. You clearly cannot take care of yourself, Richardson so you're going to be stuck with me." AJ poked at Kevin's chest. "At least until we get some meat back on your bones."
Kevin rolled his eyes . "AJ, seriously, I'll be. . ."
"So help me if you are about to say fine I'll hit you with this pan." AJ glared at Kevin. "You were there for me. Now it's my turn. Now sit the fuck down and act like this isn't a horrible thing."
Kevin opened his mouth and AJ crossed his arms over his chest. "Fine," Kevin threw up his hands. "Fine. I'm going to get cleaned up."
"Good." AJ tossed a towel at Kevin's back. "I'll call those other idiots and tell them to come over."
Kevin flipped AJ off, then headed down the hall.
"Hey, AJ," Howie nudged his shoulder and AJ looked over, smiling tiredly.
"Hey, D. What's up?" AJ glanced back into the living room, smiling slightly at the way Nick was practically draped over Kevin's lap.
"Not much." Howie looked back inside as well. "I wanted to see how you're doing."
AJ shrugged. "I'm fine."
Howie smiled faintly. "Sure you are. C'mon, AJ. Don't do the brave guy shit with me. I know you too well."
"Really, I'm fine. I mean, scared shitless and all that." AJ continued to stare at Kevin. "If you think he looks bad now you should have seen him last night."
"I bet." Howie drummed his fingers on the balcony railing. "He'll be fine. You'll make sure of that."
"Fucking right I will." AJ turned back to Howie. "So why are you worried about me?"
Howie looked at AJ evenly. "Because I don't want you getting your heart broken."
"Howie," AJ closed his eyes. "Don't. Please."
Howie reached up, grasping AJ's chin. "I know you can take of yourself and I know you're used to dealing with it. But he's hurting and that kills you and I want you to be careful. That's all."
AJ opened his eyes, grimacing. "I'm that obvious?"
"Of course not. But you've wanted him for how long now?" Howie wrapped an arm around AJ's waist. "I know that's not even what you're thinking about right now, but be careful, ok? Don't lose yourself trying to fix him."
AJ rested against Howie. "I won't. I promise. I mean. I know how to deal with it, you know? It's not, it's not even something I think about that much anymore. I just hate seeing him hurt."
"We all do. Just lie to me and promise you'll be careful." Howie smiled and AJ grinned back.
"You know me too damn well. Fine. I promise. Now let's get in there before Nick succeeds in pissing Kevin off." AJ kissed Howie's cheek. "You are too damn sweet, D."
"Fuck you, AJ." Howie shoved AJ into the house. "Prick."
"And you love me." AJ batted his eyes at Howie who sighed heavily before pulling Nick into the kitchen with him.
Kevin looked over, rolling his eyes, as Nick yelped at Howie and AJ smiled softly. Yeah. He would be sure to be careful. Not that it would do any good.
AJ whistled happily as he bounced through the door, Kevin walking more sedately behind him.
"You know, that's really not in the best possible taste." Kevin tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter, setting his briefcase down on the floor.
"What?" AJ blinked innocently. "It's a classic. A beloved song from one of the greatest movies ever made."
"Uh huh," Kevin slid behind AJ and pulled the fridge door open, grabbing a bottle of water for himself and tossing one to AJ. He closed the door and leaned against it. "So, it's utter coincidence that you've been whistling Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead ever since we left my lawyer's office?" Kevin arched a brow as he opened the bottle, taking a long drink.
"Why of course." AJ grinned around the mouth of his own bottle. "Why ever would you think otherwise."
"Right." Kevin shook his head, then looked down. "I, um, I wanted to thank you. For coming with me today. For staying here. For everything you've done the last few months." He looked up, eyes dark. "I really don't think I could have made it through this without you. I know you didn't expect to be staying here for months and months and well, I just." Kevin shrugged. "I appreciate it."
AJ set his water down, walking over and placing a hand on Kevin's arm. "Kevin. Stop acting like this is a hardship on me. I wanted to do this. I swear. And as far as staying here," AJ shrugged, "I like being here with you. You didn't let me go through my shit alone. There's no way in hell I'll let you."
Kevin reached up and squeezed AJ's hand. "That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. You've been incredible."
"Yeah," AJ swallowed, staring at their hands. "Well, you know, I have my moments."
Kevin nodded. "You certainly do." He squeezed AJ's hand once more, then let go, pushing off the door. "I'm going to get out of this suit. You have any plans for tonight?"
"Nope. At least nothing other than taking you out for some outrageously expensive dinner." AJ grinned at Kevin. "We have to celebrate."
Kevin sighed. "Traditionally, signing divorce papers is not considered a cause for celebration."
AJ shook his head sadly. "I'm disappointed in you, Richardson. Since when have I been a traditional person."
Kevin slapped a hand to his forehead. "Oh, I'm sorry. I appear to have gone temporarily insane and forgotten who I was talking to." Kevin looked down. "If we're going out I guess I shouldn't change then."
"Hmmm," AJ eyed Kevin. "Probably not. But our reservations aren't for like four hours."
"Reservations?" Kevin rolled his eyes. "I should have known."
"Yup. Now shoo. Off with you. Go change and, I don't know, come back out here and bitch about what a horrible person she is like a normal person instead of being all understanding and crap. It's really disconcerting." AJ waved his hands at Kevin. "Go. Shoo."
Kevin laughed. "God forbid I'm an adult, right." He turned for his bedroom, pausing when the phone started to ring. "Can you get that?"
AJ reached for the phone. "What am I, your house boy? Do not answer that." Kevin grinned as AJ turned his back. "Richardson & McLean Private Investigations. Best private dicks on the West Coast."
"Oh that's lovely," AJ felt every muscle in his body tense when he heard Kristin's voice. "Let me speak to my husband, Alex."
"I think you mean ex-husband. Or were you asleep when you signed all those papers. No, wait, I doubt that. You certainly seemed lively enough when you were taking his money." AJ clenched his hand around the phone. "There is nothing you have to say to him any more."
"You know, you must be thrilled. You finally have a chance to him all to yourself. Don't think I don't know what your plan is. Pretending to be all kind and caring and concerned. I know what you're up to, Alex." Kristin spit out the words. "Let me talk to him."
"No!" AJ slammed a hand on the counter. "You are not fucking doing this. This isn't like all those other times you left and broke his heart then came back a few days later. You fucking wanted this. You fucking got it. I will not let you toy with him. You fucking walked. You get to deal with it."
"Look, this is between us, not you. This has nothing to do with you. Oh, wait, I guess it does. Because he still loves me. Not you, Alexander James. Me. And I know I've hurt him and I know it may be too late, but I do love him and I just need to talk to him. So put him on the damn phone."
"Kristin. No. No. You don't get to do this any more. Whatever makes you need the drama isn't his problem any more. You almost destroyed him. And yes I was lucky enough that he let me help him pick up the pieces. But if you think for one moment, for one fucking second that I am going to stand by and let you do a single thing to hurt him ever again, you have another thing coming. No. No one will ever hurt him again. No one." AJ strode across the room. "You don't get to do this ever again. Don't call here. Don't come to visit. Don't bother trying any of your usual games. If you do you will answer to me. He might not be mine, but I'm his. And I will fucking die before I let you hurt him. Good bye, Kristin. Don't ever fucking call here again." AJ hung up, then hit the talk button, holding the phone to his ear until he heard the quick beeping, making sure the line was dead before throwing the phone at the wall.
"You're mine, are you?" AJ jumped when he heard Kevin's voice.
"Fuck. Kevin." AJ whirled around, eyes wide. "How long have you been standing there?"
Kevin shrugged. "Pretty much since you answered the phone." Kevin walked forward and AJ stepped back. "Kristin wanted to talk to me, I take it."
"Fuck, Kevin, look, I'm not trying to make decisions for you but she doesn't need to fuck with your head like that. She asked for this and she could have stopped this," AJ continued to back up. He knew he was babbling but he didn't think he could stop. Kevin's expression was unreadable and he was afraid of what would happen if he shut up. "She wanted this and she could have told them no at any time and I know you would have taken her back and you know you love her and I respect that and,"
"AJ. Shut up." Kevin reached out and grabbed his arm. "I'm not mad at you."
"Oh." AJ blinked. "Ok."
"But you didn't answer my question. You said you were mine. What did you mean by that?" Kevin locked eyes with him and AJ licked his lips.
"Uh, well, I just, I mean," AJ stuttered out, trying to come up with some answer.
Kevin's lips twitched. "Eloquent as always. If it helps matters, I'm pretty sure I know what you meant."
"Um. You do?" AJ cleared his throat. "Ok, well good, that's. Good that you know."
"Yeah." Kevin took another step closer. "I think I know. Because I'm yours too."
AJ stared at Kevin, frowning deeply. "I'm not sure I understand."
"I love you." Kevin reached up and stroked his cheek. "And I'm yours."
AJ shivered, cutting his eyes away, trying not to turn into the touch. "Yeah, well, I love you too, I mean, you know that, right."
"Alexander." Kevin grasped his chin. "Look at me. I love you."
AJ tilted his head, looking at Kevin intently. "Don't toy with me, Kevin. Because that would be fucking cruel."
"I wouldn't do that to you." Kevin released AJ's chin, stepping back. "I know you might not believe me, but I do. I love you. And not because I'm lonely or whatever but because of you and"
His words ended in a gasp as AJ pressed his fingers to his lips. "You know how long I've wanted to hear you say that? Do you have any fucking idea?" AJ shook his head. "I've loved you for years. Years. I've wanted this forever."
"You think I haven't?" Kevin grabbed onto AJ's waist. "Did you really think I didn't?"
AJ shivered. "You never gave any sign."
"Because I couldn't." Kevin brushed a kiss across AJ's cheek. "Because I didn't think you did. And when I realized otherwise,"
AJ rested against Kevin's chest. "There was her."
"There was her. And you know I was faithful. No matter how much I wanted otherwise. And then she left this last time and you came here and I didn't want pity." Kevin stroked his fingers up AJ's spine. "I didn't want pity."
"Kevin, no, no." AJ shook his head fiercely. "I have never pitied you."
"Right." Kevin rested his forehead against AJ's. "So. You do realize I got divorced today?"
AJ smiled slowly. "So I noticed."
"Which means that I'm a free man." Kevin pulled AJ in a bit tighter.
"Are you now?" AJ combed his fingers through Kevin's hair. "And you want me to do something about that."
Kevin nodded. "I was kind of hoping so." Kevin leaned back, cupping AJ's cheek. "I love you, AJ. I do."
AJ closed his eyes, savoring the words, then grinned up at Kevin. "And I love you too. Now shut up and kiss me."
Kevin laughed, then leaned down, brushing his lips across AJ's. AJ grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him in tighter, kissing him firmly and soundly, leaving no doubt as to how much he wanted this. Kevin stumbled backwards, hands sliding under AJ's shirt, AJ working the buttons open on his.
"Fuck. Want you. Right the fuck now." They fell into a room, AJ shoving Kevin back onto the bed. "Right now."
"Shut up and strip." Kevin kicked off his shoes, whipping his belt off and tossing it across the room, then leaning up and yanking his shirt over his head. He looked over at AJ. "Well, what's taking you so long?"
AJ growled lowly and fell on top of Kevin, pulling his hands away from his fly. "I'll take care of that." He brushed his hand over Kevin's groin, fingers seeking out the outline of his erection. "Oh I'll take damn good care of that." AJ slithered down the bed, mouthing at Kevin's leg, fingers nimbly working open his pants. He slowly pulled Kevin's pants and boxers off, slipping his socks off as well. AJ stood, eyeing Kevin. "Fucking beautiful." AJ threw his shirt across the room, tilting to the side as he tried to get his shoes off.
"Here." Kevin sat up, pulling AJ's belt open. "You seem to be having some problems with that." He licked at AJ's stomach as he slipped the zipper down.
"Shit." AJ grabbed onto Kevin's shoulders. "Tease."
Kevin looked up. "Only because you're still dressed. What the hell is wrong with you, McLean?"
AJ shoved Kevin's shoulder, dumping his back onto the bed as he kicked off his pants. "Oh, shut up." AJ dropped onto the bed, hovering over Kevin, licking his lips. "You sure about this?"
"Fuck, yeah." Kevin tugged AJ down on top of him. "You?"
"Yeah." AJ slowly kissed a line down Kevin's neck. "Can I?"
"Can you what?" Kevin tipped his head, offering his neck to AJ.
AJ licked up to his ear, nipping at the lobe. "Fuck you. I really, really want to fuck you."
Kevin shuddered, hands running down AJ's back to cup his ass. "I really want you to."
"Ok." AJ leaned up, running a hand through Kevin's hair, then dipping his head down and kissing Kevin deeply. "Shit, I'm going to spend hours just kissing you." AJ reached over to the nightstand, yanking open a drawer. "Just not now."
"I fucking hope not." Kevin thrust up against AJ. "Tell me you have stuff."
"I better because there's no way I can wait," AJ held up a strip of condoms, hooting in triumph as he tossed them on the bed. "I rock."
"Yes, you do. Now, come on, come on." Kevin licked at AJ's stomach. "Fucking need you."
"Impatient much?" AJ grinned at Kevin who just wrinkled his nose back at him.
"Like you aren't." Kevin ran a foot up AJ's side, smirking as AJ began to shiver. "Show me what you got, McLean."
AJ rummaged through the drawer for another moment, coming up with a small tube before settling back on Kevin's chest. "Don't worry. I'll make you scream." He slipped his hand down Kevin's body, fingers dancing along Kevin's erection. "I'll make you beg."
Kevin arched into AJ's touch, dragging his nails down AJ's back. "Shit. I'll beg now, just hurry up."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." AJ bit at Kevin's chest, working open the lube, hands shaking. He couldn't believe this was about to happen, couldn't quite grasp that it was real. Then Kevin moaned as he licked a nipple and suddenly it was very real. Very real and it was going to be now. He could feel the tension in Kevin's body and knew he was strung just as taught. They both had wanted this for too long. He slicked his hand then looked up at Kevin. "Ready?"
Kevin nodded. "So ready." He reached out and stroked his fingers down AJ's cheek. "It's been awhile, but yeah, I'm ready."
AJ nodded, then worked a finger inside, eyes locked on Kevin's face, watching as his cheeks flushed, drinking in the way Kevin tipped his head back and moaned. The sound shivered down AJ's spine and he quickly worked another finger inside, working Kevin open quickly but surely. He started when Kevin pulled on his shoulder, completely caught up in the feeling of Kevin's body underneath him.
"Alex. Now. Please." Kevin grabbed a condom, ripping the package open then skimming a hand over AJ's length. "You aren't going to hurt me."
"Ok, ok," AJ gasped as Kevin rolled the condom on, shivering under his touch. "Kevin." AJ reached down, slowly guiding himself inside, eyes fixed on Kevin's. "Kevin." He couldn't say anything else, could barely think as he sank into Kevin's body, Kevin's hands stroking along his sides.
"AJ, AJ," Kevin finally closed his eyes, giving himself up to the feel of AJ moving against him. He wrapped his legs around AJ's waist, drawing him in deeper and tighter, holding him flush against his body.
"Oh shit." AJ dropped his forehead onto Kevin's shoulder. "Shit, Kevin, I'm not going to last if you do that."
Kevin bit at AJ's neck, reaching down and wrapping his hand around his cock, stroking roughly. "Neither am I. Next time, next time."
"Fuck, yeah." AJ began to thrust hard and fast. "Next time. Next time." He angled his hip, smiling ferally as Kevin swore. "Like that?"
"Fuck, fuck," Kevin bit his lip, hand moving faster. "Bastard."
"Yup." AJ sucked on Kevin's collarbone. "Come on, Kevin, come on, come on."
"Not. Before. You." Kevin clenched his jaw. "Not before you."
AJ moaned as Kevin tightened around him. "Fuck. Kevin." He reached down, batting Kevin's hand away and stroking firmly. "Kevin."
Kevin moaned as he came, fingers digging into AJ's back. "Alex, Alex." He reached up, brushing sweat from AJ's eyes. "Come on."
AJ shuddered as his orgasm hit, Kevin's name falling from his lips. He pitched forward, chest heaving. "Fuck. Kevin."
"Yeah." Kevin kissed AJ's forehead. "I know."
AJ rested against Kevin, slowly catching his breath before he finally pushed up, sighing as he pulled out, working the condom off then tying it and pitching it over the side of the bed. "That wasn't that bad if I say so myself."
"Nope." Kevin swiped his chest clean with the sheet, then pushed it aside. "Not that bad."
AJ snorted as he settled against Kevin's side. "You, um. You did mean what you said before, right?"
"What?" Kevin nuzzled at AJ's neck. "That thing about loving you?"
"Yeah, that." AJ closed his eyes. "Because I'll have to be really pissed if you don't."
"No worries about that." Kevin kissed AJ's forehead. "I do love you. God help me."
AJ grinned. "Right back at you." They rested for a few moments, breathing in time.
"Can I ask you something?" Kevin's quiet question finally broke the silence.
"Sure," AJ pushed himself up so he could see Kevin's face. "Shoot."
"Would you really have kicked my door down that night you came over?" Kevin stroked AJ's face. "Seriously?"
AJ smiled. "In a heartbeat."
Kevin nodded. "That's what I thought." He pulled AJ back down. "That's exactly what I thought."
AJ just hummed softly as he settled against Kevin's chest.